Bethany Discussion Forums

This article was very scary for me, as an adoptive mom. My head understands why open adoption works for some and why so many see it as a necessary condition of adoption, but my heart is still, even after all this time, definitely not on board. This article confirms some real gut feelings about open adoption.................

Maybe when Zach comes home and I'm finally a "real" mom, maybe it will allow me to see this in a whole new light.

I don't know.........it's all so confusing.....my heart really does go out to that birthmother, so desperate to have her babies back.

This whole thing bothers me on way too many levels:

First, it's yet another adoption-gone-wrong story the media is chosing to spin into a birth-monster horror story. It's this type of propaganda that perpetuates the stereotypes and implants incorrect information further into the general public's mind. It's a mindless sound byte that benefits no one.

Second, where in the world were Allison Quet's family, friends and support system? She is obviously a well-educated, mature woman. She could afford IVF and planned to raise a child on her own. She didn't do this without a massive amount of planning, soul-searching and thought. Her body implanted two blessings instead of one, which I'm sure her fertility specialist prepared her for. The trajedy is what happened to her physically. A condition that depletes your system like this was bound to lead her to question her ability to raise her children. One baby is hard...but two? This was a single woman, a smart woman, who understood what she was up against. Her body had withered away. WHERE were Allison's people? Where were the people to assure her that she could make it through the interim...the offers of help and support? We talk about young, single mothers and unplanned pregancies. Was Allison blacklisted from support because she chose this for herself?

Third, what agency in it's right mind would encourage a woman who had been through this type of emotional strain, a woman who artificially conceived to place her children for adoption? There could not have been a single word spoken about her options. I can't forsee any situation how this could have ended on a positive note.

Fourth, this is the screaming soapbox for right-to-rescind. You have three days to cancel a contract when some dude knocks on your door and sells you a vacuum.

Fifth, the air was ripe for this to happen. There was a thick fog of desperation surrounding this entire case. Add in Christmas. Do the math. Put some gas in a car and bam: you've got bmom and kiddos visiting Canada, where bmom is hoping she can buy some time to assert her rights.

I'm an aparent. It sounds as if I'm all about Allison Quets. I guess I am. I do not know the entire story. No one but the people involved do. I am an advocate for what is right. Something happened here that was not. What? Where? I don't know.

I do know that the Neeham's are the unfortunate pawns in the situation. They're the aparents who have parented, loved and raised the children from the time of the placement. None of this is easy for them. They are legally the children's parents.

What gets me: I've searched my own heart. I could not have had peace with Elizabeth's adoption if I thought "S" was coerced or misinformed in any way about what she was doing. To this day I call BCS's bmom counselor to see how she's doing. I probably shouldn't. But it eases my mind to know she's doing well in school, is really busy, sends her love.

Lastly, why do they always have to find the biggest idiot around and then quote him for a story? Handle open adoption? Open adoption not a workable option for most? Who is this guy and what planet did he fall off of? <growl> What a schmuck.

OK...I'll quit flaming now.

sorry about this whole situation.but this is why I adopted from another country.I couldnt go through something like this it would of killed me.GOD knows what we can & cant handle.IM not saying that all B-moms are like this,Im also a B-mom.I just couldnt take this chance & I dont want to be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life.I cant live this way.I pray that those children go into the right hands.I will be praying for them ~Denise~

What I don't understand in this case is what in the world was the court thinking anyway. First I have no problem with the open adoption. However this woman was fighting for her kids. I would think they would have ordered surprivsed visitations. I don't think I would have even willing handed my kids back to our birthmom if she was fighting for them. I would have gone with her for the visitaion period.

Nicole thanks for posting this. We have all been sick and I had not herd this story despite just being the next state over. It is sad that the news is still showing the world the bad side of the story. I would agree. If you had not shown me the way through our open adoption I too would have wanted it closed. Especially if I had herd this story first. The news always brings out the worst in adoption for some reason.

"Babies are not property. Babies are human beings that belong with their original mothers," he said.

This quote is touching me. I am in the process of adopting from our state's waiting children. I have seen first hand what parents including a birth mother who loves her children, but cannot take care of them can traumatize her children. Babies deserve all the love, safety, and security they can have. It was heart breaking as a fp to give the children back to the bp when you know they are going to be hurt again.
I haven't been watching the news over the holidays so don't know the story well. I do feel though that the best interest of the children should be the main factor. I also believe that not all children belong w/ their birth mothers.
Chocolatelover

So sad...

This SCREAMS for a period for b-parents to rescind their consent to adoption. As an a-parent I would be devestated, but I would not want to raise my son for him to find out that his b-mom quickly realized that she had made the wrong decision and wanted him back. So much is wrong with this situation that it makes my skin crawl. I feel for all involved. I will keep myself from further posting my thoughts as it would just turn into an angry rant!

Nicole -- I had not seen this in the news, thank you for posting it.

Pam

this really dues put a bad light on open adoption.I was pretty harsh in my earlyer post only b/c of fear..my heart goes out to all involved & pray that GOD lets whats best to happen to these twins.I live in NC & I guess that it really hits me b/c its too close to home.GOD BLESS~Denise~

okay Nicole from your last post this makes me even sadder. I don't understand how this can happen. What is NC laws on signing the papers anyway? Whoever...as in agency, or lawyers who are involve all make me sick to my stomach that this is happening. Another sad day for adoption in the media. I could not justy keeping a child when the bmom*(edited) wants if back in just thoes few hours.

Ugg I take it back...Our bmom*(edited) did say that the next day...We told her it was a dun deal...As most know she really could never raised Olivia. Even the BF's Mom said if she changed her mind she was ready to go to court for coustody.

It also was before the boards and I have learned so much since.

Im having a hard time grasping all of this.....

How does a women get to this position?

She's an older single woman, who wanted to parent... So she impregnates herself... She gets ill *(as MOST pregnant women do, some worse then others obveously)~ And for some WIERD reason, she places her twins A MONTH after they are born??? Where did the twins live for that month? What made her decide to place, after MONTH? Did her condition get worse? Was her sister living on another planet? (her sister sounds like a very supportive type of person).... And she's certainly not too "poor" to feel financially obligated/desperate to make an adoption plan (she has spent 400k on fee's since?)

Im disgusted in the system over this, and as others have said, this should never have happened in an "ethical" adoption situation... Who does someone go thru in a private adoption? What person neglected to give her the proper advice?

As for the adoptive parents.... They seem kinda old school, like they arent really interested in what is best for the children.. They got a "two for one deal" at the local adoption market and they arent interested in a return *gag I cant even believe I just said that*

But really, thru it all, Im still truely having a hard time understanding HOW this woman got into this predicament in the first place! I mean, she didnt spend however much it costs to get inseminated just so she could sign away her dream........ It dosnt make sense, maybe I need more info?!

I heard about this while I was at my parents the other week...the family literally lives a few miles away from them...kinda insane that it actually happened...My mom gasped when she heard it...and it is horrible coming from both sides...two very heartbroken moms...those kids are defintely dearly loved though...I wish that some network would start doing shows on normal adoptions-open/semi open...maybe people would become more comfortable with the "A" word and it would become more natural to some.

Jeffandjen94 said absolutely everything I have thought since I first read about this case on another board.

Seriously, the fact that the p-aparents were fighting her in court when she changed her mind after 12 hours just because the State of FL allows for no revocation period when an adoption is private (which I think this was) is sickening.

I recognize that the p-aparents were probably feeling very desparate for a child and I've been there. I have known the desire to have a child that is so strong, it almost overwhelms any rational thought. But my conscious would have been "killing me" if I were a participant in this type of behavior.

EWWWW When we had our failed placement we got the call four days after Grace was home with us. Within two hours we were on the road to take her back. I loved on "j" and told her that HER WELLBEING was more important than our desire to parent. THAT is how we should view things. We don't agree with her decision, and since I've been blessed enough to be her friend I've been able to watch things play out. I still don't believe it was the best decision for her daughter, but THAT ISN"T MY DECISION TO MAKE!!!!!!!

I'm grateful for the thirty days we had here for "m" to change her mind. Even if we don't agree with the choices that bio parents are making, birthparent rights MUST be changed. Women need at least thirty days. Also I wonder if something should be addressed regarding post-partum depression. Wouldn't an ethical agency at least make sure she wasn't suffering from post partem depression or psychosis before she was able to sign her papers? Wouldn't ethical adoptive parents?!?!?! Post partum NEVER hits until a couple of weeks after baby is born. This is when the pressure was hardest on this women.

I hope this women gets her children back. despite previous tirades against single parenting, This women LEGALL, and ethically should have her children with her.

I agree with what Jenn said as well.

Florida is a really messed up state is so many ways! I have NO desire to live there or ever consider an adoption through a state like that.

Erin, VA used to have 25 days for a bparent to change their mind and recently changed that to 17 days (not sure why but my guess (it is just a guess)is that they have shown that there weren't any difference in the change of decision between 17 and 25 days???

Jen and Angela, you voiced my questions and concerns better than I could. When I first read this article, my heart screamed for these babies to be back in their (bio)mother's arms. Yet, I must admit that I was afraid I was alone in my sentiments considering my experience as a fosterparent, and I figured I was supposed to feel differently since I am an adoptive parent...so I wasn't sure how to articulate my thoughts/feelings quite right!

How could this happen?? How could she be so thoroughly coerced and HOW could she not have regained her babies right away after she realized her mistake!?

(My other thoughts that make it hard to really assess the situation is my mistrust of the media...I've read an article similar to this one in that the writer quoted the sister of my fosterchild's mother....and the sister was SO misinformed in her facts---well she was just WRONG. So I'm not sure how much of this article to take as PURE FACT and what to throw out based on my experience....)