Bethany Discussion Forums

Hello, I am a 25 year old who has been considering attempting to search for/contact my birth parents. I wanted to see if there was anyone who could give me advice on this. I am extremely close to my adoptive parents, and I think that they would be very hurt if they knew that I was pursuing this. Also, I am not sure if I could handle 2 families if I were to make contact with my birthparents. However, regardless of both of those reasons, I feel as though I need to find some answers. Does anyone have any thoughts/suggestions/experiences?

I am a 21yr old adoptee. I reunited with my natural family over the last summer. It wasn't easy. I do not have a good relationship with my adoptive parents and I honestly think if you do have a good relationship with them they are going to want you to be happy. I have heard of most adoptive parents being supportive of the decision to search. I feel as an adoptee I had to search, I couldn't live with not knowing. It's a personal choice every adoptee has to make, to search or not to search. If you have any other questions don't hesitate to ask

Hello, I think that it's great that you are curious and want to find some answers. You need to find who you are and what makes you up:-) I think one of the many ways that you can prepare yourself and maybe get some thoughts/suggestions/experiences about doing your own search is to go to the library or order a book about other fellow adoptees and their reunions. Below are just a few suggestions:

Birth Bond: Reunions Between Birthparents and Adoptees--What Happens after by Judith Gediman

Birthright: The Guide to Search an Reunion..... by Jean A. S. Strauss

Stiffler, LaVonne Harper, Synchronicity & Reunion: The Genetic Connection of Adoptees & Birthparents. Hobe Sound, FL: FEA Publishing, 1992.

I remember having the same feelings about being afraid of hurting my adoptive parents. They had told me from the day that they told me that I was adopted, that when I was ready to do my search they would support me and help me pursue it. I know for me I was used to putting others before myself. Deep down inside I felt like I owed everyone everything and that I didn't deserve anything good:-)
I think curiosity is healthy even if one's search leads to more extended family (I found both my biological parents) or to a closed door (my adoptive brother's dad committed suicide and his mom doesn't want contact with him).

However, I will not lie to you, I did my search for me. It was the first real thing that I did for me and so I was very surprised at what happened when I did my search. It was like I through a pebble in a lake and the ripple effect took action. It effected everyone in my life. But how could it not?
My parents hadn't really dealt with their infertility and so they had to choose to either deal with their loss and heal or be in denial (and in no way do I mean that to sound harsh). My husband who isn't an adopted suddenly had to deal with a little baby (me). Ta-hee! That was a new experience for him! It's helped strengthen our marriage and communication skills:-)

When you do your search, be prepared that you might just go through a roller coaster of emotions. I was happy one moment, then bitterly angry the next, having no clue why. Sad one moment and they excited. Etc. Etc. Through my search I came to realize that I had this little baby inside of me that was relinquished and abandoned and she had no voice in the matter. No choice and she did not get to mourn her loss. I named her Susan Elizabeth because that's what my name would have been if I had not be relinquished and I needed to distinguish her from the 26, now 30 yr old. Now, it was time for her to heal and catch up to the 26 yr old that she was living with so that the 26 (now 30 yr old) could be who God intended her to be.

I don't regret doing my search at all. It's been tough at times, but I've found that my relinquishment/ abondonment had effect so many areas of my life, my marriage, my parenting and even my relationship with God. But God has helped me be honest with myself and Him and has helped me heal and free me from things so that I may be a better wife, a better/healthier mommy and most of all can enjoy a better relationship with Him. It's very freeing.

I'm not saying that everyone has the same experience as me:-) Or that yours is the same. This is just mine.

I hope that I helped a bit.

Very nice post. Thank you for sharing your story.

I think you should consider talking to your parents. They may surprise you. It may take them time to adjust to it, but I think they will understand if you are open with them.

Hey! Im 24 and was reunited with my birthgrandparents a few years ago. I do have a good relationships with my adoptive family and they were actually very happy that I was going to find my birthfamily. I told my adoptive dad that he will always be my dad and nobody will ever replace him and he started crying. They know I love them but I had to do it for myself. And they were all for it. I finally located my birthfamily on my own on the internet and contacted the family. My birthmom will have nothing to do with my but my grandparents adore me. My grandparents dont care that my birthmom doesnt want contact and talk to me, come down to spend time with me and send me stuff all the time. I havent located my bdad yet, but that time will come. My birthmom will not say who she got knocked up by so.... Im in the process of asking all of the people she went to highschool with via facebook.
Good luck with your search and let me know if i can give you any advice on how to locate your family!