Bethany Discussion Forums

A-parents - How much do you share with f-parents?
F-parents - How much info do you want?
Are we sharing too much?

We have always been very open without our dc's f-parents about their lives.
I have always shared as much as we can information wise. When baby is up all night or sick, we tell them. When baby reached a milestone, we'd tell them. I wanted to give them as much information as possible about their child. I share all sorts of things in letters and conversation - eating habits, likes, dislikes, quirks, sleeping patterns, struggles, triumphs, joys, temper tantrums, teething, illnesses, and more.

Too much? Just right? Depends?

I am neither an a-parent or an n-parent-but I hope I can still throw an opinion in the mix
(I am a former adoption social worker and a someday foster to adopt parent....)

I think what you are doing is GREAT! I don't really understand the POV that you shouldn't share life info with firstparents. Every firstparent I have known IRL and on the boards who has contact wants to know as much as possible about their child! If you give the impression that a child never gets sick, never gets into mischief, never is teething, then that seems insincere. Firstparents aren't idiots (I know YOU know that-just wondering about your a-parent friends who think you share too much!) and know that babies get sick, etc. I don't really see the point in hiding that, or even how it could be hurtful.

I would, personally, keep on giving all the details of life that you do. I think it's great.

I'm interested to hear others thoughts on this....

Our relationship with DD's bmom has just recently "opened up". We have been texting each other periodically since then. Yesterday, we took DD to her first eye exam (we had some concerns over her vision,ect). I text dd's bmom to let her know the results. She wrote back that she was so grateful that I was sharing that information with her, and that she loved hearing from us.

It was reaffirming to hear from her that the wanted to hear things--not just good things, but anything regarding our daughter. I know that I would want to know as much info as possible if the roles were reversed.

Our letters contain mostly information about DD's developments, quirks, characteristics, her likes/dislikes, etc. I also talk about if we did anything special or new as a family, since E chose us in part b/c we do things and travel. The pictures are 99% just of DD by herself. Once in awhile I'll include a photo of us with her or our families. This is an area I struggle with. I'm not sure if pictures of us with DD will assure E or if it will hurt her. Shrug.

I do share if DD has been sick or is struggling with something----b/c that is part of being a baby.

No such thing as too much info.

Ditto.

Cory has had a lot of doctor appts and visits to the hospital and Beezer and Scoot have always told me what was up and the results. I appreciate it so much! Knowing what is going on with our child makes me feel in the loop, part of the family, welcome in their lives, etc.

However, the level of what you share needs to reflect the level of openness in the relationship. If you do not talk much you probably do not NEED to tell about every little thing. If you talk all the time then you will find that you tell every little thing without thinking about it. KWIM?

Also, don't let someone else tell you how much is too much in your relationship. That is between your family and the first/birth family. Communicate with them. No one else knows your relationship like you do and if things are comfortable and going well then you're doing fine.

Thanks I am glad to hear that. We are very close.

I even thought about taking her to the dr so she could ask any questions. But I am not sure about that. Is that too much to ask?

You know, personally, for me, I probably wouldn't do it. Mainly because I think three adults, one baby and the doctor is way too many people in a doctors office BUT, I might change my mind down the road. However, if that's the kind of relationship you have with her, why not? I don't think there's a rule book for open adoption.

As for the other post about the genetic disorder. I'd tell her.

Honestly this is irrelevant (not to sound callours). I'm reading it that she is upset that she got pregnant when she did, with the guy she did. Don't know what disease it is but I know that most people don't go around getting tested for genetic diseases until there IS an issue so it could have happened at any time with any guy, even if her circumstances were "ideal". My cousin lost a baby to Cystic Fibrosis. I'm pretty sure she didn't know she was a carrier prior or that the father knew. It just isn't something that's routinely tested. If your relationship is that you tell her everything, she's going to want to know and if you don't, she could create a worst case scenario. I would.

In this case, she knew she was a carrier for this before she got pg. This also wasn't her first pg (her first child is deceased.) She has known she carried this since she was young. She knew the risk, and I think she feels guilty about that. I don't blame her because this child is who they are because of their genetics. But I understand that God's in control - she doesn't. She also struggles with depression, so I think the fear is that maybe she can't handle it without a big struggle.

Not having been through this sort of thing with her, I just don't know. I feel like the only right thing is total honesty.

The "too many in the dr office" was my attempt at a joke (and I'm a bit claustrophobic also). But I agree that honesty is the best policy.

Oops missed that. It's late. I should get some sleep. But yeah it is a lot - especially when there are only 2 chairs.

We share life with our daughters' bmoms. Our oldest has broken her arm twice and both times we called her bmom from the hospital to tell her, just like we did with the rest of our family.

Be open and honest with her. Maybe try to focus on the positive side a bit more than the negative (like that it is the better of the 3 diseases) if you are concerned about her.

I like the idea of inviting her to a doc visit, but bring it up with your doc first. Make sure she/he is comfortable by knowing what to expect.
One little one we had in foster care had a potential a-parent visiting (who is now baby's adoptive mom), and I invited her to the doctor appointment for some testing baby needed. I think it was a little awkward for the doctors and techs, so I wish I had called ahead and let them know. I think the whole privacy act and all makes it a little awkward and such with doctors appointments. But just check! (And we ALWAYS have a crowd at the doctor's office and it is a joke--but not a funny one! )